It’s been a while since I’ve posted. But I have a good reason, I swear…
Well, I just found out what the good reason was, so is it really the real reason for not blogging for close to two months? Well, no…but life gets in the way, and you just kind of have to get up every day, fold your laundry, brush your teeth and deal.
Kind of like what I am dealing with now, but I’ll get to that in a moment. I’m still trying to figure out how exactly you tell people something when you are, by your very nature, a very private person. It’s odd coming from a person who writes blogs and posts a daily picture on instagram, i know, but I have mastered the art of being a public persona, without allowing my private life to really be told to the masses. But I guess all of that ends today.
Its hard to tell people things about yourself when you are guarded. It’s even harder when you have news you don’t particularily want to share because you don’t believe it yourself, and then you have people in your life that a) can’t keep their mouth’s shut and tend to gossip to serve their own interests and have something to talk about and b) are just extremely nosey.
That’s not everyone, and I refuse to name names, or place blame, because that’s not what this is about. It’s about me, all of me, the icky parts of me that no one else likes but I love about myself, the people who support me no matter what. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever had to talk about, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say, and at a time when words fail me, and I’m sick of having the same conversation over and over again, I hate that I am doing this here.
Here goes nothing.
I have cervical cancer.
I’m trying to be positive, but I’m scared beyond any measure I have ever experienced before. I’m petrified of what this means for me, for my future, for my relationship and however that may play out. I don’t want to be the girl who everyone talks about and says “did you hear about Amy? It’s such a shame she has cancer.” No, I want you all to see what I look at in the mirror every morning;
A beautiful, amazing woman with so much life, a person who gives everything to the people she loves, and most importantly, a fighter.
Is this the end of me? Certainly not…and I don’t want pity, or sympathy…no, I want everyone to just take their middle fingers, stick them straight up in the air and tell cancer to fuck off!
I’m kicking cancer. I’m beating this.