It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything on here, and there are several reasons. One, honestly, was me feeling a bit sorry for myself after my surgery. Getting that diagnosis, going through all of that internal mental garbage really did a number on me, and I was down in the absolute pits of life for a few weeks.
I hated everyone, and every single thing in the universe. I was jealous of people having babies, of people who went on dates, of people who had friends invite them over for coffee,of people who got to move forward with their lives while I was just stuck.
I tried to blog about it. Right now on my phone I have about five or six or six drafts of ideas that, at the time I was writing them, felt like free formed writing, but read more like horribly negative rants of a crazy b.
I’m not that person. At least I don’t think I am, though I’m pretty sure to the outside world I was exactly that.
I didn’t want to go anywhere, I didn’t want to do anything, and sure enough, even the things that made me feel the most alive felt dead.
When people get into this level of depression, or what I like to call, the funk anything can set them off. Mine was a chain reaction….cancer diagnosis, sheltering myself, becoming too dependent on one person for my happiness when he had his own issues to deal with (sorry C) then led to no one calling me, the relationship moving back into an agonizingly hard friendship where I couldn’t seem to say anything right and kept wanting more from him when I was taking everything, to sitting with my parents, watching world’s dumbest on tv.
Everyone thinks there’s some big surreal moment of clarity when the clouds lift from your life, and poof magic happens, and you’ve got it all figured the fuck out. The writer in me wants to say it was watching World’s Dumbest with my parents, but it wasn’t anything like that.
I was so far into the pit I didn’t know if I had actually hit the bottom or if I was standing on a fucking ledge in the dark and the end was further, and darker below.
The light didn’t come back all at once in a bright flash, it was gradual, like slowly opening a curtain, or watching a sunrise….
First, was the checkup. The oncologist said point blank that I never had cancer. You hear that? I repeat I never had fucking CANCER!? and that I had severe dyslpasia instead. Instead of getting angry at them for taking a whole chunk of my cervix and making me feel like absolute shit about myself for five months, I was so overjoyed I had to fight back the urge to kiss my oncologist full on the mouth.
Then I went and saw a life coach, and had my chakra’s balanced. I spent two weeks doing daily affirmations and got over the goofy feeling of looking myself in the mirror every day and saying the lines from The Help
You is smart, you is important.
I started growing vegetables, I dug out weeds. I paid off two years of back student loan debt in under 10 months, I cried, I watched five whole seasons of Doctor Who on Netflix just because, I read nine books, and I started slowly but surely, coming back to me.
It took forever, and fuck, I’m being completely honest with myself, I’m not there yet, but the sky has gone from pitch black to that awesome pale blue and slightly orange where the stars are still visible, and I’m ok with that.
So that’s the second part, being ok with where you are. Being grateful, saying what your faults are kindly to yourself, and being forgiving for the things you’ve done.
Which brings me to the second reason why I haven’t blogged in what feels like forever…I’ve been writing again. Lots of writing! The story ideas are flowing out of me so rapidly it’s hard to keep them straight, or contained. It’s crazy, and it’s beautiful, and I’ve spent the last few weeks kicking ass on my Contemporary fiction novel, Twenty -oh- two and figuring out the plot for my yet unnamed romance novel, and still contemplating whether or not Burn or Dig (the young adult novel, and it’s sequel) will ever see the light of day.
It’s a process, my friends, but I’m getting there. Negative Nancy be damned, Amy the badass is back!
Though, I’m still not sure if this means I’ll be blogging more.